february 10, 2013

--- note: in Feb. 2013 i was fully embracing FLIGHT mode and left this blog, starting a new one over at wordpress. i'm going to continue blogging here, but for personal records am reposting my very few wordpress posts here ---
-- good chat!! ha --
february 10, 2013:
i've never been good with change. like, ever. our big move from riverside to bakersfield at age six was as equally terrifying as my 21-year-old self uttering the words "sure beej, let's dye my hair brown." (NEVER. AGAIN.) i've cried every time i've moved, at every friend or sister's wedding, every break-up, every new semester, and every time i've had the balls to chop off my hair. with this new year, along with the internal contract i made with myself that this would be the year that i, steadily approaching the ripe age of 25, finally would stop biting my nails, i made a second resolution. one to embrace change. to leave the heartache of last year in 2012 where it belongs, and to allow the looming presence of adulthood and the "oh shiz" revelations and responsibilities that accompany it to soak into my heart and mind. to move forward with hope and the knowledge that each day is new and that each person's presence in my life and my space means something. to be brave, to be smart, to keep my word. to be present.
gabrielle blair said, "embrace the current season of your life." i plan on doing exactly that.
(ps. new blog for a new year and a newly healed heart. formerly over at jennyhieeya.blogspot.com)

change

hey peeps. new year, new blog. paired with a newly healed heart. 

"jenny from the block" has moved over to wordpress. 

http://jennyhieeya.wordpress.com/

ENTER ABOVE MENTIONED LINK INTO YOUR GOOGLE READER SUBSCRIBE WINDOW/OTHER BLOG-FOLLOWING DEVICE/PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY/CRANIUM ETC. 

i'm still i'm still jenny from the block

PEACE BE THE JOURNEY. 

shannon, upon entering her 20s

I've always said that Shannon is her own special kind of light. She has a presence, one that is noticeable even to those who have just met her. She has this habit of talking with her hands, and when she's explaining something you can almost see the inner workings of her mind, the mechanisms rolling. That's the part of her that is meticulous and organized, always planning, always trying to be one step ahead. But there's another part of her, a part of her soul that she learns more and more about as she grows, that yearns to let things go, to let go of plans and schedules and steps and to just feel free. I've seen her feel that freedom, that feeling of raw and pure living, by falling down a mountain's wall and catching on that last clip. But I've also seen her feel that freedom simply from being loved by a man who can't believe how lucky he is to have found her. She learns from her mistakes and she will make many more, but along the way she will share a piece of her light with every person she encounters, and some of us will be lucky enough to share a piece of her heart, that piece of her heart that is young and free. 

Welcome to your 20s, Shan. 

thanksgiving

Sometimes I feel like an alien in my family. Perhaps it's my semi rebellious spirit or my irreverence that I personally view as one of my many perks OR maybs i am in denial about having a touch of middle child syndrome BUT whatever it is, one swear word out of my mom and one "tim don't you dare think about telling that story about me and mom in Vegas and how bout you pretend you just never heard that in the first place" from my dad AND several healthy and audible snorts from not one but two of my siblings later, my roots are smackin me in the face in a "these are your people" kind of way.

thanks for loving me, you guys.

je ne sais quoi

i went through a pretty devastating breakup this year. i woke up one morning and it was like my entire world was falling apart, as dramatic as that sounds. neither of us did anything wrong, there was no one to blame, it was just two lives and two paths and an uncontrollable event that made the timing wrong and the situation became an exit strategy for him rather than an obstacle for us to work through together. i spent a month in what i thought was the acceptance stage, but for those familiar with the process of grieving, acceptance is the final stage and there's a lot of shiz to work through before that comes. but this post isn't about that. in most ways i've made my peace with that. this is about attraction.

the idea of attraction has been on my mind a lot lately, and was only further solidified when i read meg fee's post on the very subject. i remember a time when, in a moment of low self-esteem, i asked my male friend tyler what my quote-unquote turnoffs were. lovingly reprimanding me in his honest-to-a-fault way, ty told me that "one man's turnoffs are another mans turnONs," and that all i needed to worry about was being the best version of myself. and sometimes the best version of myself includes a healthy balance of spiritual and inappropro and THAT'S okay, because the men i am attracted to/ the men i attract usually deliver that same healthy amount of irreverence. everybody has their different reasons for attraction, their different pulls toward the opposite sex, draws that are physical, emotional, and mental. 

but what is IT? what is the "it" factor? it's individual, i know that much. which makes it a MIRACLE that people get married and stay married. a legit miracle. my fantastic parents met in September 1983 on Catalina Island during a single adult retreat for our church. they spent the weekend together and were engaged TEN DAYS LATER. they got married four months later and have been grossly in love for (going on) 29 years. MIRACLE. a miracle that involved and still involves a lot of work, faith, patience, humility, and love. but the fact that they both were attracted to each other in all the right ways at the same time and on the same level, well, that's "it." my dad had seriously dated girls before he met my mom, but none of them had his "it." and then Elise came along and rocked. his. world. 

everybody experiences this, and most of us seek for it on some level, daily, at least as single ladies and gents. when i first saw the sweet man i was engaged to earlier this year, my first thought was "that is the most beautiful man i have ever seen in my entire life." my second thought? "he's probably engaged." (that's the general and safe assumption in Provo okay). i didn't know on that day that this man would, over the course of the next few months, completely change my world and make me fall for him in ways that i never even knew possible. because of that experience and that relationship i am amazed at the capacity our hearts have to love, so deeply and so fully and on so many levels. and because of the culmination of that relationship, i am amazed at the capacity our hearts have to heal, and to move on and to love again. 

i didn't find that same attraction for a long time. no one impressed me, no one moved me. no one made me feel like every nerve in my body was a live wire. i dated different boys, i kissed different boys, i flirted with pretty much anybody i felt like. but no one had "it." and i couldn't figure out what "it" was. i hacked it up to not being completely over my former fiance, i figured i needed more time, way more time before i could really feel that for someone. and then i ran across this quote: 

and i realized, THAT'S IT. that's my "IT." that's the feeling, that live wire feeling in every nerve in every corner and nook in your body. i wanted to be moved. i wanted to feel that pull, every time. is that me being a romantic? maybe. is that me being a woman? perhaps. but that spark exists. that burning, that pull, exists. i was kissing boys a couple months after this breakup and kissing is kissing so it was all fun and good but it was almost mundane. if you know me you know i'm a full supporter of kissing and everything that comes with it but WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD WANT TO FEEL LIKE KISSING SOMEONE IS MUNDANE?? no no no. that's all wrong. so i quit that. and i vowed myself to a life free of mundane kissing. i wanted that burn. every human on the planet deserves that burn. 

that "it" came back recently, one day, unexpected. and it wasn't that the man was stare-at-him-in-the-street-with-your-mouth-open beautiful; in fact, i couldn't ever put my finger on WHY he had "it." but he had it. and it moved me. that burn, that live wire feeling. a unique charisma or charm, a look, i cannot tell you how certain men in my life have had that draw, that pull that you can feel across a room simply by their existence in that space, your space. but i can tell you that it's individual, and it's real. if you've felt it before, you know it, and you recognize it when it comes around again. our ability to feel, on all levels, is a blessing. i wouldn't, i couldn't be human without it.