je ne sais quoi

i went through a pretty devastating breakup this year. i woke up one morning and it was like my entire world was falling apart, as dramatic as that sounds. neither of us did anything wrong, there was no one to blame, it was just two lives and two paths and an uncontrollable event that made the timing wrong and the situation became an exit strategy for him rather than an obstacle for us to work through together. i spent a month in what i thought was the acceptance stage, but for those familiar with the process of grieving, acceptance is the final stage and there's a lot of shiz to work through before that comes. but this post isn't about that. in most ways i've made my peace with that. this is about attraction.

the idea of attraction has been on my mind a lot lately, and was only further solidified when i read meg fee's post on the very subject. i remember a time when, in a moment of low self-esteem, i asked my male friend tyler what my quote-unquote turnoffs were. lovingly reprimanding me in his honest-to-a-fault way, ty told me that "one man's turnoffs are another mans turnONs," and that all i needed to worry about was being the best version of myself. and sometimes the best version of myself includes a healthy balance of spiritual and inappropro and THAT'S okay, because the men i am attracted to/ the men i attract usually deliver that same healthy amount of irreverence. everybody has their different reasons for attraction, their different pulls toward the opposite sex, draws that are physical, emotional, and mental. 

but what is IT? what is the "it" factor? it's individual, i know that much. which makes it a MIRACLE that people get married and stay married. a legit miracle. my fantastic parents met in September 1983 on Catalina Island during a single adult retreat for our church. they spent the weekend together and were engaged TEN DAYS LATER. they got married four months later and have been grossly in love for (going on) 29 years. MIRACLE. a miracle that involved and still involves a lot of work, faith, patience, humility, and love. but the fact that they both were attracted to each other in all the right ways at the same time and on the same level, well, that's "it." my dad had seriously dated girls before he met my mom, but none of them had his "it." and then Elise came along and rocked. his. world. 

everybody experiences this, and most of us seek for it on some level, daily, at least as single ladies and gents. when i first saw the sweet man i was engaged to earlier this year, my first thought was "that is the most beautiful man i have ever seen in my entire life." my second thought? "he's probably engaged." (that's the general and safe assumption in Provo okay). i didn't know on that day that this man would, over the course of the next few months, completely change my world and make me fall for him in ways that i never even knew possible. because of that experience and that relationship i am amazed at the capacity our hearts have to love, so deeply and so fully and on so many levels. and because of the culmination of that relationship, i am amazed at the capacity our hearts have to heal, and to move on and to love again. 

i didn't find that same attraction for a long time. no one impressed me, no one moved me. no one made me feel like every nerve in my body was a live wire. i dated different boys, i kissed different boys, i flirted with pretty much anybody i felt like. but no one had "it." and i couldn't figure out what "it" was. i hacked it up to not being completely over my former fiance, i figured i needed more time, way more time before i could really feel that for someone. and then i ran across this quote: 

and i realized, THAT'S IT. that's my "IT." that's the feeling, that live wire feeling in every nerve in every corner and nook in your body. i wanted to be moved. i wanted to feel that pull, every time. is that me being a romantic? maybe. is that me being a woman? perhaps. but that spark exists. that burning, that pull, exists. i was kissing boys a couple months after this breakup and kissing is kissing so it was all fun and good but it was almost mundane. if you know me you know i'm a full supporter of kissing and everything that comes with it but WHO IN THE WORLD WOULD WANT TO FEEL LIKE KISSING SOMEONE IS MUNDANE?? no no no. that's all wrong. so i quit that. and i vowed myself to a life free of mundane kissing. i wanted that burn. every human on the planet deserves that burn. 

that "it" came back recently, one day, unexpected. and it wasn't that the man was stare-at-him-in-the-street-with-your-mouth-open beautiful; in fact, i couldn't ever put my finger on WHY he had "it." but he had it. and it moved me. that burn, that live wire feeling. a unique charisma or charm, a look, i cannot tell you how certain men in my life have had that draw, that pull that you can feel across a room simply by their existence in that space, your space. but i can tell you that it's individual, and it's real. if you've felt it before, you know it, and you recognize it when it comes around again. our ability to feel, on all levels, is a blessing. i wouldn't, i couldn't be human without it.